


The way a fool would do

by judyannhale



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Character Study?, F/F, Love Letters, Pining, jen being in love, so much pining, soft ass jen, through 1x08 and 1x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25412194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judyannhale/pseuds/judyannhale
Summary: Dear Judy,I finally noticed it today - properly realized what I was doing - how there’s nothing I want more than to be near you. For a moment there I had this whole picture of what our lives could be. It was perfect. I swear I wanted that test to be positive just as badly as you. And I’m so sorry, Jude. It’s not fucking fair. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve all the good in the world.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 15
Kudos: 27





	The way a fool would do

**Author's Note:**

> ik this is kind of a weird style but our gal Jen isn't good at talking about feelings so I was picturing this in her notes app or something  
> hope y'all enjoy :)

Dear Judy,

What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? What the actual FUCK am I doing? I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again. I haven’t done this in probably twenty fucking years. Not again. My god, why do I do this? Why does my brain decide to just sit here and pine after something I can’t have? Wouldn’t it be easier to just want something I can actually properly have? Just fucking once??? It’s kind of funny - you think you know exactly what you’re doing. You think you finally have someone you love and someone who loves you and you build a whole life and then you meet you. And I’m back to fucking square one. 

I know exactly how this goes. I know I just get scared, and you take over more and more of my thoughts until there’s no space in my head for anything else. I can barely say a word to you and I write out everything I wish I could say just so it has somewhere to go. I love it and I hate it and then something happens to put an end to it - and it hurts like hell. As if there was anything here to miss in the first place. 

Except this time there is something here. You’re not a ballet teacher, or a girl in one of my classes. You’re fucking you. You already have a place in my life. And I love you. And I need you. And if I lost you now I don’t know what the fuck I’d do. 

I finally noticed it today - properly realized what I was doing - how there’s nothing I want more than to be near you. For a moment there I had this whole picture of what our lives could be. It was perfect. I swear I wanted that test to be positive just as badly as you. And I’m so sorry, Jude. It’s not fucking fair. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve all the good in the world. 

-

Dear Judy,

After all the times I've lived through some version of this, I still somehow convinced myself it's worth it. All for the conversations that mean more to me than you could ever know, and the stolen glances, and the butterflies I get whenever you’re around. The way you make me so unbelievably happy just being here.

I don’t know what I’d have done today if I didn’t have you. That guy really freaked me the fuck out. But then I was sat there by the pool with you, and I got to make you laugh - your laugh might be the most beautiful thing in the whole world - and everything was okay. 

There’s something different about you. I think if I was with anyone else I’d have said nothing. I don’t know why, you’re just easy to talk to. I love being able to talk to you. I want to talk to you for hours and hours. I think if I were a little braver or if you knew what to ask I could spill all my secrets to you. I feel like you’d understand me, and I could understand you. Maybe that’s just the version I have of you in my head. But I want to know everything about you, and I want you to know everything about me.

-

Dear Judy,

When you sit on the couch with your legs curled up, I think maybe the rest of the world would fall into place, and everything would be alright, if only I could curl up beside you. We could just stay there, forever. 

I hate seeing you sad like this. You don’t deserve it for a second. I hate not knowing how to help you. I hate it more than you could imagine. Or maybe you can - maybe I frustrate you as much as I frustrate me. I wish I weren’t so useless. I wish I knew how to be different. I wish I was more like you. You're so kind; so good at taking care of people. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve better than all of this.

Please don’t think you’re alone. Please. I know I’m bad at this and I have no idea how to show you but I do love you. I promise. I love you in a million different ways.

P.S. I definitely was not staring at you the whole time I made you breakfast. God, you even have me making breakfast. What the fuck have you done to me? But I think I could just look at the back of your head forever. Your hair is so fucking beautiful. It’s soft and delicate and it hangs there in those perfect little waves, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

-

Dear Judy,

I just saw him again. Showed him a fucking house. I hate him. I actually, completely, with all my heart, hate him. I hate what he did to you. I hate that you were in love with him, and he still fucking hurt you. How the fuck could he want more?

I told you earlier but thank you for booking that class for me. Thank you for thinking about me. Thank you for not thinking dance is just a stupid hobby I should have given up on. It felt so incredible. I wish you could have seen me there - it felt like I was flying. I almost forgot how everything is easier when I’m dancing. 

I wish I could dance with you. That would be fucking magical. Probably wouldn’t go so well for me, though. Every time we touch I can’t think about anything else. I just want to cling onto you forever. Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more. I want to feel your perfect skin. I want to play with your silky hair. I want to get lost in your eyes just watching the little specks of gold within the brown. I want to make you laugh just to see the little wrinkles you get around your mouth.

I want to tell you everything going through my mind - everything I keep hidden away. There’s so much no one sees. Like this, I guess. But I want you to know everything - all the shitty things I’ve done and all the strange things I’ve felt. I’ve got this crazy idea that you could be the one person in the world who’d understand.

-

Dear Judy,

What the fuck? What the fuck did you do? What the FUCK did you do? How the fuck could you do this to me? Why the fuck am I writing this to you when my hands are shaking and I don’t know how to breathe and you did it? How could you do it? That was Ted. My fucking Ted. We had a life. You took away my whole fucking life. I cried every night for months because of you. My boys cried every night because of you.

-

Dear Judy,

I’m back. Just went to scream and cry some more - in case you were wondering. I threw up a bit too. Fuck you. Thank god I’m alone. I broke a fucking wine glass. Because of you. Just hurled it at the ground and let it shatter. That felt good, for a minute. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I want to tear this whole house apart. I’m not even angry. I want to kill you. I want you to hold me and tell me everything’s okay. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. The sun is fucking rising and all I’ve done all night is think about you.

What are you even doing in my life? Was all of this a lie? Are we just a fucking joke to you? I thought you were here for me. I thought I finally had someone I cared about and who cared about me. I thought I loved you. I do fucking love you. You were supposed to be here. We were just starting out. You were supposed to just stay and let me fall in love with you inside my own head and get hurt by myself. You weren’t supposed to be the one to hurt me.

You want to know the worst part? I fucking told you. I told you about me. I let you in, and you didn’t even hate me. I’ve never told anyone else. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t know where I got the guts to say anything, but I did. Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to tell someone? How long I’ve been completely alone with all that? 

And I was right - somehow you did understand me. You knew what I did and you knew what I’m like and you knew how I hate myself. And you understood. You stayed with me. You were even kind. You were there for me when I never thought anyone would be. Just for a second there it was all out in the air and you were still there with me, and part of me was starting to be okay with it all. And now you’re fucking gone.


End file.
